With Download Festival creeping up on us, the group chat is probably full of set clashes and rabid weather-watch to see if you need to pack wellies or suncream. Let’s face it, it’s probably both. Now I love that we have access to great festival apps these days, live set-times and easy maps… great stuff, excellent use of technology outside of cat videos to be honest.
The problem is: modern festivals are too connected for shenanigans. In the early noughties you could lose your mates for six glorious hours and call it character development. Some of my best stories are about the things we did when we lost everyone to the crowd, like that time our mate Jimmy was so stoned he just joined a queue for a bit so he could chat to people – and ended up being one of the lucky VIP area wristband holders that year… bastard.
Now, with everyone trackable on snap and pin-drops, you have to choose adventure. Reject life-long friendships and go be a silly hobbit for a while, for a treat. Here’s my list of stuff you could stumble into, if you choose…
- 1. Find Five (the band) and commit to the bit: Somewhere at Download, the spirit of late-90s pop refuses to die. You’re lying if you say you don’t know the lyrics to at least one Five song, that shit is etched into your brain from the school disco and at a month out, you’ve still got time to relearn the choreography. Bonus points if you bring the shockwaves gel and hedgehog your hair in a classic Scott style.
- 2. Get a tattoo from Old Sarum: The truly committed return home with merch that can’t be lost in a tent collapse. Fan faves: Download totem, the iconic Dog, classic barbed wire around the bicep, bees on your knees, or a beautifully questionable tramp stamp. They usually drop a flash sheet closer to the event, so keep your eyes peeled and your impulse control lower than usual. But like, keep it clean and out of the sun babes, we do not want Sepsis as a going home present.
- 3. Learn rock sign language from the interpreters: Stage-side interpreters are doing elite-level multitasking: translating lyrics, capturing attitude, and somehow keeping time while the crowd turns into a washing machine. Watch them for five minutes and you’ll realise you’ve been underperforming with your hands your entire life. Bonus points if you learn a few signs and can still headbang without poking yourself in the eyeballs.
- 4. Sky catapult: There’s something very nostalgic about the screaming, and I always wonder what possesses people to want to do this. Some sort of ancestral longing to feel the force of the trebuchet? Oh well, a classic DL experience, but I caution you to pick whatever meal you eat beforehand wisely. There’s ‘festival memory’ and then there’s “someone filmed it and it’s on TikTok forever.”
- 5. Join Swappie Fest and become a tiny-gift goblin: Swappie Fest has a famously wholesome Facebook group (500+ members and growing) and the vibe is pure crafty magic: I’ve seen bracelets, keyrings, crochet punky duck charms, sweets, stickers, handmade mini dreamcatchers… you name it. You’ve got enough time to join the fun if you want to be a trinket gifter, get on it!
- 6. Investigate the mysterious Fourth Wing thing: Apparently there’s some kind of Fourth Wing activation (yes, that Fourth Wing—Rebecca Yarros). At the time of writing there’s only the promo post, meaning nobody knows what’s actually happening. If we can’t get real dragons, I don’t know if I’m emotionally prepared to care… but I know the BookTok girlies are not going to want to miss whatever this is.
- 7. Do RockFit (or, if you’re unhinged, join the campsite runners): RockFit is a great way to feel like a functioning person before the day turns into pints and pit dust. There’s also the running-partner crowd—people who, for reasons beyond science, want to jog around the campsites in the morning. Meanwhile, the rest of us will be doing what nature intended: slithering out of the tent like a slug at sunrise and drinking whatever hideously warm liquid we find by the door, just to choke down an oat bar.
- 8. Play Red Hat Round Up: Take a drink every time you see a Fred Durst red cap in the wild. Yes, it’s still everywhere. No, he doesn’t even wear a red cap himself anymore. Yes, I still wish he would. (Pace yourself. You’ve got a weekend to survive.)
- 9. Dogstar Cosplay: Show up dressed as the Wyld Stallyns. Or better: go as Rufus. Or better still: get a whole group together and turn the mosh pit into the Bill & Ted history montage—Socrates, Freud, Joan of Arc, Genghis Khan, the lot. It’s educational.
- 10. Hit K‑pop Emo Hunters at the silent disco: Over in the Ace of Spades, K‑pop Emo Hunters runs as a silent disco with two channels playing simultaneously: Emo and K‑pop. That means you’ll watch two completely different dance-floor narratives happening in the same physical space, enjoy the chaos and the musical whiplash and most importantly SEAL THE HONMOON.
That should be more than enough official stuff to get you going, but remember – the best adventures are the ones you never prepare for, so keep your eyes and ears open for anything that sounds like it might be worth retelling over the next few decades of your life…
Bonus side quest: Don’t watch the World Cup—apparently Download wants nothing to do with it…
