With Bloodstock Open Air’s sold out 25th Anniversary less than a week away, you’re probably knee deep in the group chat’s clashfinder negotiations, arguing about who will actually wake up early enough to party with Battlesnake or whether you’ll be alright to eat a burrito in the middle of the Stampin’ Ground pit.
The thing about festivals is, even if you find a dead spot on the bill where nothing quite tickles your pickle – that doesn’t have to mean a trek back to your tent for a cheeky nap – instead I implore you to slyly sneak away and take yourself on a delightful festival side quest. Build the lore you want to fondly and tipsily tell your unwilling children, years from now.
Aside from the classic tales of ‘imbibing something questionable offered to you by someone questionable’ and ‘waking up in someone else’s tent who is now screaming’, I offer you these ten silly curated side quests that probably pose considerably less hospital/jail risk.
- Bin Jousting – they tried to stop it, they tried to regulate it, they tried to commercialize it… but you can take this tradition from BOA campers’ COLD DEAD ABSOLUTELY FILTHY FINGERS. No for real, you’ll probably get stopped by security but if you can get a couple of good neck-jarring runs in, you will actually be participating in one of Bloodstock’s oldest and most nostalgic traditions. For legal purposes I do not endorse it AT ALL, IT IS A LITTLE JOKE OK.
- The sanctioned fight occurring this year according to BOA HQ is, er, Pillow Fight Club. Shh, we aren’t meant to talk about it. 4.30pm Friday/Saturday/Sunday if you have a desire to smash a mate’s face in a nice way. There are a LOT of rules and a waiver, which is a little bit lame but honestly would have made Fight Club the movie a whole lot funnier. The ‘remove all piercings’ part might be a hard sell in the Bloodstock community though.
- Faaaancy Dress – always a good idea, mostly a poor execution. This year’s 4 day offering lists as: Dinosaurs on Thursday for Heavysaurus (a classic, excellent crowd-surfing kudos), Twisted Fairytales on Friday (If you find a wolf in your tent pretending to be your grandma, alert security), 1980’s on Saturday (be the Tom Selleck you want to see in the world, bring back men in crop tops and short shorts), and finally LOTR/Fantasy on Sunday (if anyone can mix up the 80’s and this theme to produce Gand-ALF, I will buy you a beer you hero).
- Hellbent Hoedown – has Y’allternative gone too far? Yeah yeah I know, both cultures love leather and like to sing about drinking beers, but if I get another fringed jacket to the eyeballs in the pit, I’m gonna… whinge about it later. Steel City Line Dancers are taking command of the floor on 2.30pm each day to lead some stompin’ with a metal soundtrack. If you’re not the two-stepping type, no worries – you can always grab a drink and go and heckle everyone who’s trying to.
- Black Ice Cream – apparently it is back with a ‘new and improved recipe’ and I would like to know if that is because last year it tasted how imagined… like dirt or licking a lump of coal. I do bloody love ice-cream though so yeah, I’m going for it. Oh no… what if it’s the same as the Whitby black ice-cream… Liquorice. Actually I’d rather lick a lump of coal than that.
- The RAM Gallery – Ah g’wan, you call tell your ma you spent the weekend being cultured and seeing lots of art, without lying. It’s a lovely peaceful little space away from the hubbub of the festival for a short while, and a great tour through the history of BOA. Oh and there’s going to be a Ozzy Osbourne custom guitar (made by Paul Cutting) in there too.
- Bunnyman’s Bunnychow – Take on the Hot As Hell without a drink. This famously delicious festival delicacy obviously comes in various spice laden levels, but frankly you’re just a lil bitch unless you go all in. Who doesn’t want a lovely little molten ball of lava in their tummy, threatening to Pompeii the shit out of everyone in a three-metre radius of you, when you get a bit too bouncy during Carpenter Brut?
- Rockfit – Look I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I do not identify with nor understand those of you who WANT to exercise. I will however support your right to do it, especially when accompanied by a banging soundtrack. If you’re the energiser bunny of your camping group, just piss off to Rockfit, have a grand time, let everyone else sleep off their hangovers. This is how you remain friends, trust me.
- Puns for Testament – admittedly this is a very personal and niche nod to times past here, but I’m going to bring you all in on it. Back in 2007, my mate Lee and I were ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FREEZING, waiting for Testament to take the BOA stage and in a state of teeth chattering delirium we decided that making ourselves laugh was the only way to go about getting warmer. It was the Bestament. I didn’t even need a spare Vestament. I would like to invite you to be part of this very silly Questament. Actually the real reason I mention it is to highlight that at BOA you can often join the Signing Tent queue and have a chance to meet some of your heroes – another excellent use of your side quest time. The next day, Lee and I did just that and *somewhere* in my chaotic festival memorabilia stores… is a poster of Testament with “Nice Breastaments” scribbled on it, amongst their signatures.
- Last but certainly not least – find Jesus. Not like that. Bet he would have been a metal fan though. Jesus is a BOA staple and always has the time to greet, bless, and take selfies with fans. If you’re not a Lamb (of God… *snort*) you can always find Bloodstock Darth Vader and have him bless you instead. There truly is something for everyone here.
Godspeed, go forth and seize the festival days!
