Bloodstock

FRIDAY

It’s August. It’s hot. It’s so hot you guys. It’s too hot. It’s uncomfortably hot. I don’t know how we’re supposed to Goth in this weather. Yeah ok, in all other dimensions I’d be complaining about the drizzle putting a dampener on things – but I’m not convinced UK festivals are cut out for this Satan’s armpit version of events.

This weekend, SFG are at Bloodstock Open Air – the UK’s premier heavy metal fest, in the hallowed grounds of Catton Park in Derbyshire. Thousands of sweaty freaks in a field (thanks, that’s my band name now) getting raucous to some of the best bands on the scene, it’s like coming home.

As we head into the arena it’s pretty clear the sun has done a number on the usually green Catton Park. It looks like the scrub of the wild west, and there isn’t much in the way of shade anywhere to be seen. The site looks like it’s old sturdy self though, heaps of shops for whatever takes your fancy – Viking drinking horns? Got you covered. Body cages and chains that would make even Melanie Rose blush? Yeah how tied up d’ya wanna be? There’s a plethora of rare band tees, records and chunky jewellery to choose from alongside all the usual festival tat, and I am likely to part with a large portion of my savings if I hang around too long.

On the main stage, New Delhi metal is blasting our eardrums courtesy of Bloodywood. A heady mix of tech/nu metal and background bhangra drums, they’ve come a long way from the original YouTube parodies, this is just damn good fun. Hopefully we see them on more line-ups in the future, it’s about time we had some new life injected into the genre.

Doyle’s crowd levels on the main stage suffer from being on at the same time as the secret (read: not remotely secret) Sophie Stage act – Machine Head. Now, them being the secret act is awesome. That is undeniable. What isn’t awesome is the fact that absolutely everyone knew in advance, (which may have had something to do with the merch stalls selling the tshirts at 10am this morning) and they’re all crammed buttcheek to buttcheek into the sweatlodge that is the big tent. The band are incredible and the atmosphere is electric, buuuut… on a weekend like this, it’s inviting heatstroke to the party in a big way. I wish it had been a main stage secret slot instead, but I guess there were reasons.

In other news, slushie sales are high and even the smallest patches of shade have become precious territory for people to escape the burning sun. They’re few and far between – just the spaces around the Red Bull bars, or little corners between food vendors. The best efforts of the festival seem to be some camouflage netting draped over some flagpoles to create a dappled shade area, but it really isn’t much for how many people are here.

On the main stage our friends/overlords from outer space GWAR are ripping into American culture like there’s no tomorrow – something we Brits, just unashamedly enjoy. ‘Joe Biden’ gets his head taken off with a giant foam machete and sprays blood into the whooping crowd, then a Trump supporting redneck gets his guts unceremoniously gouged from his body while the band rock on. “This is the most bloodthirsty country of conquerors in the world, and I bet even they think this is racist” frontman Blothar the Beserker remarks about an awful Chinese stereotype accent in a joke, before the Imperial March plays while they cut the tits off the Queen. You heard me. If you haven’t seen Gwar before, you’d be forgiven for thinking this was all just theatre and silliness, but they are actually just a solidly good metal band outside of all the masks, horns and penises. Anyway, I love them, so there.

Gothenburg’s own freak-show-circus-cabaret Avatar have come to town, wearing leather daddy Lederhosen and giving us perfectly choreographed hair windmilling. “We’re gonna sing, we’re gonna dance, and we’re going to have a jolly good time” shouts mime-faced frontman Johannes Eckerström and that is exactly what they give us. It’s hot and it’s humid inside the tent but we can’t help but join in – Avatar should have been on the main stage though, they’re certainly well known enough.

Exodus return to BOA in full force, “Keep that pit violent but look after each other” calls frontman Steve ‘Zetro’ Souza, but pleas for more crowd surfers seem to fall on deaf ears. “We’re getting bored up here so you’d better start sending people over…” It’s absolutely scorching and the people are weary. Plus who wants to pass someone elses’ sweaty arsecrack above their heads? Nevertheless, it’s a great set as expected from the band. Next up Testament battle with the direct sunlight bleaching the stage white, it’s a hot one for bands who favour denim and leather but they’re giving it everything. Visibly pouring with sweat is the code of heavy metal bands in general, but you can see everyone struggling today.

Luckily the sun starts its descent and we manage to grab ourselves some dinner before the headline act. Having been a Bloodstock/festival goer for decade now, I am extremely thankful for how far festival food has come. We opt for Salt and Chilli chicken, and a Bunnychow – both of which I would happily devour in any other setting. Long gone are the rat-burgers and suspect ‘meat & noodles’ offerings of yesteryear, bless everyone involved in this process.

Bringing Friday night to a close are Polish extreme metal connoisseurs Behemoth who appear behind their signature serpentine mic stands in ghoulish corpse paint, before enormous flame cannons at the front of the stage erupt to burn every side of us the sun didn’t achieve earlier. With an uncompromisingly brutal tour of tracks like ‘Off to War!’ and ‘Conquer All’ it’s clear they have come to BOA with a purpose. ‘Slaves Shall Serve’ draws us in, and encore closer ‘O Father O Satan O Sun!’ seems a very fitting herald after the day we’ve had. Though I can’t pretend they’re my favourite closing act I’ve seen at Bloodstock, I can honestly say they deserved that spot through and through – there is nothing short of mastery in their sound, and the crowd was in the palm of their vampiric hands all night.

SATURDAY

Saturday if you can believe it is even hotter, even stickier, even worse to venture outside in. We go anyway, because there’s no missing Bloodstock, no matter the stakes. Heavy but melodic Lorna Shore are an absolute highlight, and have gathered a massive crowd in the inferno that is the main stage area.

Sylosis are heavy and fast, despite looking extremely unassuming until, “How are you doing, are you guys hydrating? We know it’s fucking hot but this next one is a fast one, we’d love to see a circle pit” they say, which is all jolly well and good when you’re heading straight back to your fancy air conditioned tour bus but… oh fuck it, here we go, yolo. “Thanks for sticking with us in this horrible weather” they acknowledge, as the security hand out cups of water from ever refilled bins along the stage. The people on the front row look positively raisin-shriveled and like they would enjoy being put to bed by their mothers. Never mind all that though, because now Sylosis want to see a circle pit around the sound tent too. Um, hard pass, I’m out, I need to sit down now thank you.

After a break we’re ready to go again with Ukrainian metal band Jinjer who are welcomed onto the stage to a sea of their blue and yellow flags in the crowd. Vocalist Tatiana Shmailyuk is visibly touched by the gesture and takes time to thank the UK for our frankly minimal governmental efforts in helping their country. Regardless the “Fuck Putin” chant is very enjoyable and the sold out Jinjer merchandise on display, tells you that the people at least, do care. Jinjer also end up being one of my absolute highlights of the weekend, brutal but melodic and unswervingly metal to the core.

Southampton lads Bury Tomorrow bring a different vibe to the lineup today, lots of jumping around and being generally rowdy. “I don’t care if you know us, I don’t care if you like us, I’m just glad you’re here and showing respect for live music after 2 years away” laments frontman Dan Winter-Bates. I’m into the excessive energy, but when he suggests that they want to ‘break records’ with 1000 crowd-surfers on this scorched-earth godforsaken day… I can but laugh. Not a hecking chance son, but love your optimism. In the end there were probably about 30 brave souls.

On the tiny Jägermeister stage, Solar Sons are giving classic metal meets #tinyhouselife – jamming their equipment onto the polly pocket step, but it is good and they’ve got a decent circle of people around them.

After a quick perusal of the merchandise offerings, and a jealous side-eye to the Bloodstock Rock Society tent which looks shady and comfortable, it’s on to Norwegian black metal titans Dimmu Borgir. Firm favourites of the festival, another corpse paint posse, all I can think is they must be effing boiling like microwave dinners in all their layers of clothing this evening. Despite some technical difficulties and a bit of a late start, they come good and it’s an overall excellent show.

As day two comes to a close, we are greeted by a giant sheet covering the main stage. The arena is decently filled, and the sun has finally left the damn building. Tonight we see the return of King Diamond fronting Mercyful Fate, after the band had to pull out of last year’s Bloodstock. The Danish doom-peddlers of the black metal hall of fame throw down the gauntlet for exciting stage sets, as the curtains drop to reveal a massive tiered alter and staircases for King to run around on. There are inverted neon crosses, pentagrams and props everywhere, and King is dressed in a giant red cloak and demonic ram mask. It’s all very theatrical – something I really enjoy in a headline act, frankly.

As the band fire up with ‘The Oath’ it’s clear they mean business, though I must admit that King’s seagull squawking isn’t for everyone and it’s certainly true that it isn’t the busiest main stage crowd we’ve ever seen. Soon King pops into his little stage-top changing room and swaps out of the ram mask (it must have been bloody hot to be fair) into a giant black crown. Now that we can see  his face, and those signature panda-eyes, the whole look gives big Moira Rose energy – I wonder if she was inspired by Mercyful Fate?

Addressing the crowd, King tells us “We’re going to play a new one. It’s not finished yet, but I think you deserve to hear it. It’s about nine minutes long…” before launching into ‘The Jackal of Salzburg’ which is quite honestly already a saga, even if it is unfinished. The band weave their way through early tracks like ‘Curse of the Pharaohs’ and ‘Melissa’ as the appreciative fans headbang along, and there’s an air of genuine appreciation from the fringe who wouldn’t consider themselves part of the coven.

Encore song ‘Satan’s Fall’ rings the arena in the glow of satisfaction, love them or loathe them – it’s pretty clear they’re a great BOA headliner.

SUNDAY

Ok, so it’s still hot. I feel like we’re being trolled at this point, but it’s really not stopping the very fashionable day three attire of Pink outfits in memory of Sylvia Lancaster, of the Sophie Lancaster Foundation. It’s a lovely tribute, and a cause that is held dear by so many in the Bloodstock family.

On the main stage classic thrash legends Vio-lence are up. Credited with influencing a plethora of metal bands, they’re no strangers to a crowd of eager-to-rage pit goers, but it’s clear the situation stands that a lot of people seem to still be back at the campsites avoiding this infernal heat. It’s a great set regardless, but a bit of a shame more people weren’t out for them.

Over on the Jägermeister truck stage, Lore of The Woodman (instrumental math rock, apparently?) are a beautiful interlude in all the shouty loudness of the weekend. Clever and melodic, it’s absolutely no wonder the tiny tent was bulging with people enjoying their unique sound.

Back to the eardrum smashing with Venom Inc. and some good solid metal riffs on the main stage, and it’s a fun and a bit silly show. There’s a small interlude due to an equipment malfunction “It’s so hot I broke a string”… “It was his G-string” (pause for laughs) and they hit the feel of the festival spot on, joking “It’s hot but it’s Bloodstock, you could stay here forever if only they’d let you, right?” to a roar from the crowd.

Elsewhere over on the Sophie stage, Orbit Culture ooze melody into our souls while we snatch some much needed shade. Not to say that they aren’t heavy – ‘Strangler’ is an absolute war-call and the crowd in there are eating it up.

Another foray into corpse-paint and uncomfortable looking leathers for this heat, is Dark Funeral, making the understatement of the year “We heard you’ve had a couple of warm days”. New album song ‘Leviathan’ is a banger, and it’s a good set in general, but we are tired and sweaty and end up sitting down at the back for a break. Can’t help but wonder if they have to have a team of helpers to peel them out of their outfits after they get off the stage…

Acid Throne are up next on Jägermeister, interesting melodic stoner metal – which brings me to realise that there’s been a bit of a diversity split between the stages this year, with lots of thrash and black metal making it’s way to the top of the main stage bill, but little of other styles. I would like to hereby request the return of Viking, Folk, Power and Hair – all the silly ones please.

Okay okay, so post-punk/industrial kings Killing Joke are next on the main stage with frontman Jaz Coleman clawing about in a black boilersuit and red face paint reminiscent of crap 80’s Halloween costume efforts. Yes I know they’re hugely influential, and they are entertaining don’t get me wrong, it’s just… not my jam. In fairness, neither are Belphegor (Austrian blackened death metal) but I do just really appreciate the balls of a band who decide they want that much pyro on a tiny stage in a tent. Zero fucks given about personal safety but it makes for a very fun show let me tell you.

So we arrive at the final main stage headliner of BOA 2022, and thankfully the temperature has actually dropped significantly tonight – still don’t need a jumper though. Wild times for a UK festival I know.

Lamb of God, returning after many years to the BOA stage are immediately, unabashedly going for it with the full force of a band confident in their stature. I am so drawn in, taken by surprise at how much I’m enjoying myself. There’s pyro, Randy Blythe is a swirling nebula headbanging with his long dreads, and the entire band is driving the sound out hard and fast. This I feel, is the energy I’ve been missing – something encapsulating that I can’t separate myself from to think about, the thing that makes music punch you right in the gut. ‘Walk With Me In Hell’ is truly epic, and ‘Omerta’ is devastatingly heavy and perfectly executed.

I’m even gonna let the guitar widdling and unnecessary solos slide because I’m enjoying myself, but they could sincerely have left the “…this heat is nothing compared to where we’re from” mockery at home… OK RANDY WE DON’T HAVE AIRCON IN OUR TENTS YOU KNOW (eyerolls dramatically). It’s fine, they do make amends “Thank you so much for being here, I know we’re the last band and you’re sweating your English asses off…” before shouting out some of the other bands over the weekend such as Gwar, and Killing Joke whom they have previously credited as an influence of theirs.

Calling for the crowd to “…destroy this fucking place” they incite an absolute hoard of crowdsurfers – all  those people who were too tired and hot to go for it the rest of the weekend. If your eyes haven’t witnessed crowd surfers at a metal gig, you’re honestly missing out on a key life moment. Better yet if you’re brave enough to go over yourself, just hold onto your pants.

Another heartfelt shout out, this time for Sophie and Sylvia Lancaster, alongside a request that we – the metal community – look out for each other and have each others’ backs. It resonates with so many of us here, there is a stuck moment of introspection, before reality snaps back and it’s time for Lamb of God’s finale and an absolutely ragingly huge circle pit. Seriously go look at a YouTube video, it’s nuts. They go out on ‘Redneck’ with a bang, no winding down here – I can safely say that’s the best I’ve ever seen them.

Well Bloodstock… apart from an accidental pit stop into some very suspect Britney karaoke in the Serpent’s Lair, here we are again at the end. It’s been real, it’s been fun, it’s been real fun. I don’t know how else to characterize this festival if you’ve never been here before – except that, you should come.

Despite this year’s line-up not being my general taste in metal overall, I had a fucking great time, as I always do. I saw some new things, I saw some things that surprised me, I saw old friends, I made new friends, I talked to total strangers like they were my best friends. Bloodstock is family. Come and join us.