2000Trees is just a week away and we are officially into the “Ultimate Trees Excitement” phase of the build-up timeline.
Group chats are filled with screenshots of the clashfinder, the official Facebook groups are filled with sensible (and the not so sensible) questions, and all around the absolute fear of another heatwave striking is palpable. It’s Treesmas, baby – and we are STOKED!
We’ve all got those bands we are desperate to see (Truck 4 eva), the food stalls we we’re gagging to re-visit (I see you Bunnymans Bunnychow) and the beverages we want to consume (remember “Heroes Buy Beeros”, folks!). But how else are we going to fill the time?
Never fear, Summer Festival Guide has got you covered with a list of stuff you could stumble into, basically a choose your own adventure…It’s time to embrace the festival side quest!
- 1. Not so Silent Disco: The last band is finished, it’s back to the tent…OR IS IT? If you’ve got the stamina a whole new night begins with the move to the Silent Disco. DJs galore, killer sets, Immaculate vibes, genuinely excellent signal strength and all you need is a pair of headphones! Book ahead, pick up your headphones as soon as your tent is set up and get ready to make friends for the weekend as you scream lyrics at one another and bond with strangers over your ability to communicate requests to DJs via mime alone. Realistically, you’ll be able to hear everyone singing along from your tent anyway – so why not get involved?
- 2. The night ain’t over ‘til it’s over!: Following on from the above, some of the best times at Trees are had out in the General Camping area where stages (or busk boxes as they’re known) are set up for musicians to perform between guy lines and the occasional percussive snorers. Acapella singalongs with performers from the day, along with busking sets from up and comers you might see on the main stage in years to come make for a fun ‘nightcap’ and it’s on the way back to your tent, what’s not to love? Set times have been published on the social media channels of Camp Turner, Camp Frabbit and Under the Bridge (UTB) – so you can plot your course ahead of time and squeeze every drop out of the night! (Pssssst – Secret sets frequently take place out there so keep your ears to the ground…)
- 3. Campsite Shenanigans: The campsites aren’t just for laying awake while a bloke with a snore like a chainsaw, fights for their life in a neighbouring tent. Nor are they just for waking up freezing at 4am, putting on all your layers and then at 8am screaming because it’s too hot and you’re now slicker than an otter’s pocket. Nope. At Trees, the campsite delivers more than you thought possible! The ever-present heroes at Camp Kev (their site is located at the What3Words of Absolute.Festival.Legends.) will return with their painted rock hunts, beer pong, games, quizzes and life-saving water fights. They bring the vibes to campsite life – even if you’re on the proverbial struggle bus. Grab a slice of watermelon and go say hi! Up in the overflow camping area, just beyond the hedge are the good folk of Camp Gooch. They bring the as yet unrecognised by the International Olympic Committee sport of Lemon Jousting to Upcote Farm as well as open mic sessions, trinket swaps and even pegs (as long as you beg).
- 4. Join a (Carrot) Cult: Last year a cacophonous Carrot Cult collective rose from the soil of Upcote Farm spreading terror amongst attendees not seen since the great Cockchafer invasion of 2024! Rumours of an Avengers End Game root vegetable battle royale have been rife (“Fuck the Parsnips!”) while organisers have refused to confirm or deny whether members of the set-up crew have been disappearing suspiciously in the lead up to Trees. What is clear is they are making a return, with a message of: “We are one. We are many” and the harvest reveal imminent. Hold on to your butts, and don’t mention crudites…
- 5. Count the Trees (gags): Some bands are better at the stage patter than others, it’s true. Some mumble “this is a new one”, some fire out a pre-rehearsed set of one liners, some use their platform to discuss socio-political matters, others to bemoan their journey – or how they got the shits from service station food en route. One of the go-to observational “humour” comments is invariably about the actual number of trees at 2000Trees. Something like “I was up all last night counting and only saw 963” or similar. You may chuckle gently the first time you hear it, but by Saturday you’ll be into slow clap or deep groan mode as the novelty factor evaporates before you like all those delicious White Russians from the night before…
- 6. Sacrifice yourself to the fancy dress overlords: Trees always has a fancy-dress theme and this year it’s 2000memes – a celebration of the zeitgeist and an opportunity to dredge up some really deep cuts from those early meme days before Pepe was co-opted by right wingers, and Drake hadn’t been dissed by Kendrick Lamar. Last year, despite the absolute furnace-like conditions, costumes were donned by many on the Saturday making for an eclectic game of Guess Who? with the winners of the competition receiving a free ticket to next year’s festival. The skill and creativity on show is always incredible so the judges have a tough gig! There’ll also undoubtedly be returns for the regular triumvirate of Trees Santa, Tigger and Jesus (Treesus?) so if you’re inclined to whip up an ensemble then now’s the time…Papier-mâché dries quicker when it’s warm!
NB: Summer Festival Guide takes no responsibility for any physical effects suffered by getting into a cheap polyester costume that boils your insides like Haggis…
- 7. Receive the Seal of Approval: This one has thus far eluded me (hint) but no matter how many stars a reviewer gives a band for their performance – the one true arbiter of judgement is the Seal of Approval. The Seal (a cuddly toy, relax) sits atop an extendable pole, with a light fitted to it either turning red or green depending on whether you’ve done good in the eyes of the Seal or need to get in the sea! Bands may regard the Main Stage as the pinnacle of a weekend at Trees, but secretly they all yearn for that flippers up from the furry wee Seal of Approval!
That should be more than enough stuff to get you going, but remember – the best adventures are the ones you never prepare for, so keep your eyes and ears open for anything that sounds like it might be worth retelling over the next few decades of your life…